Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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