You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize