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• (424): View more from California

  I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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• (813): View more from Florida

  Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?

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• (507): View more from Minnesota

  He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey how're your balls?

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  Don't ever let me helicopter again.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’

  (303): View more from Colorado

  That’s all I’m saying

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