oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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