There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
