He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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