Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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