Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
