How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
