she woke up with a sticky ear
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
