I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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