mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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