just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
