This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
