I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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