my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize