Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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