Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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