She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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