My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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