Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
