when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize