Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
