Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize