I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
