I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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