Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
