ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
