I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
