Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
