Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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