What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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