Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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