i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
