VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
