sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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