Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
