3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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