2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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