I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
