I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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