I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
