Swine flu. Run for my life!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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