I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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