i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
