Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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