Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
