I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
