and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
