I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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