I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
