Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
