Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
