I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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