Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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