I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
