Someone shit on the floor
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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