I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
