so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
