I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
