god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're so nebulous sometimes
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
