There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
...so i touched it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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